Only my love burns away, As my life fades into hell

Mom is now on in-home hospice care, because she is eating puree foods with a plastic syringe..  and she's having a hard time walking and she sleeps pretty much the whole day..
Hospice brought us a hospital bed for Mom to lay in..
she hasn't been in a bed for 7 years becuz of her back with the hardware in it and it's forcing her to hunch over pretty severe..  she's very comfortable in this bed that we can adjust to have her sit up a bit and not completely lay down..  she sleeps so soundly now..  she doesn't wear regular clothes anymore for the nurses to easily be able to clean her and bandage her bed sores..  she has a sacrum bedsore that literally is a tunnel to her tail bone..  it's not nice to see...
Mom now wears the large nightshirts that is sliced up the back below the collar, so that the nurse can clean her and change her briefs(adult diapers) and care for her bed sores..

Dad and i now have to change her becuz of her stiff limbs, it takes both of us to do this..  we also have to position her on the bed to make her comfortable and laying on a side off her butt for the bed sores to heal a bit..

it's a daily thing we have to do, change her briefs in the morning, lunchtime and after dinner..  we are getting better at it, Hospice nurses showed us how to do this because they are not at the house all the time..  we have to do some of her care ourselves..  i'm always calling them for needing to be taught how to do things..  it's not fun but it's interesting to have that skill..

Dad has been angry at me for forcing him to agree to hospice care for Mom.. becuz her condition wasn't quite real for him i guess, and now he sees how she has deteriorated..  and he's been just giving me a load of crap daily about anything about it..  i finally put up with so much that i yelled back at him to not dump on me becuz Mom is beyond our DIY home care, she needs extra medical attention, which she is getting with hospice care..  nurses come every other day to check on her progression and her sores.. and she gets bed baths every other day too..  since she can't quite make it to the shower..

this is all about keeping Mom comfortable..  and that's where we have had to go.. in-home Hospice care..  which is a Medicare benefit that covers hospice 100%, even though Dad doesn't believe they do, he's expecting a bill..  he yells at me about that too..   which i was reassured that he won't see a bill.. 

i'm tired, i'm exhausted, i'm just wanting to cry so much that i can purge myself of these built-up, pent-up feelings, but right now i can't..  dammit..

Crashing in to murder walls, Rebel angels and the victims of our youth..

Mom is refusing to eat food from a fork or spoon..

she clenches her teeth and closes her mouth and even turns her head away from me..

i had lost my patience with her, but i didn't yell, i just ate the meal i cooked and fed her a Boost..

Dad came in yelling at me that she needs to eat, i said if she won't open her damm mouth, then she's not eating..

so i did force food into her mouth, without hurting her.. i just held her nose until she opened her mouth, then i put in the spoon or fork of food..

she would eat up to 2 - 3 bites and then she wouldn't eat any more..

Dad would yell at me about her not eating.. which frustrated the hell out of me becuz i won't shove the spoon into her mouth or hurt her to do it..

so Sis brilliantly suggested that i try to find out how to feed her with some YouTube videos..

and surprisingly enough, there were some videos that addressed the kind of problem Mom was having..

Mom will eat pureed foods with a plastic syringe that has a plastic tube at the end of it..

i place the syringe at the side of her mouth, plunge some food in and she ends up swallowing it..

then she puts her lips on the syringe wanting more food and she sucks the puree while i plunge more food in..

i got Dad to cooperate and buy baby pureed foods to see if she would eat them..

i've tasted them, they are very bland but not bad..

you heat them up in the microwave for 20 or 30 seconds and i fill the syringe with food and put it in her mouth..

she swallows the food without any fuss..

since she sleeps it seems right after i feed her.. Dad questions if she's getting enough food..

her bowel movements are basically baby shits.. 

pun intended..  LOL!

i called for an appointment with the nurse practitioner that Mom sees, to find out how much food she should be eating..

in her sleep almost 24/7 time..

her appointment is this Thursday..

she does wake for short periods while i'm feeding her.. 

and then as soon as i walk away.. she either falls back to sleep or she's awake for a short time..

from the videos, i have deduced that Mom is one level away from being completely vegetative shell..

right now, she's a living zombie..

stiff limbs..

shuffle walks..

has no understanding of the world around her..

and sleeps almost all the time..

Dad had me research what facilities would take her becuz he has told me that he's done with taking care of her..

she's beyond any assisted living care..

she's needing long term skilled nursing care but those facilities are only 2 places in our town..

and they are expensive..

it was suggested to me that we contact hospice to have them send nurses to come to the house to take care of Mom in home..

it's covered by Medicare..  no extra out of pocket expenses...

i told Dad about this and he gave me his standard..

"i'll think about it"..

i told him that we need to jump on this as soon as possible becuz she's soon to be needing catheters since her bathroom functions are now pretty wonky and not regular..

everything has to be his idea or else he won't do it..

i'll probably call my baby sister to ask her to convince him to do this becuz sooner is coming really fast..

later will be too late..

damm stubborn cranky old fart..

Wandering alone, yeah, At night, vision’s so blurry...

it's been a long time i know..  life stuff just got in the way.. 
changes, always changes, that i have to do, to make things easier for everyone at home..

it's going on 2 years that i haven't been to a job, helping take care of Mom..  i've been stepping up a lot more with Mom.. she's gotten more wobbly and falling quite a bit..  so far, she hasn't broken anything..  

Dad's been getting really frustrated with Mom becuz she won't eat much..  she sleeps a lot and probably doesn't feel hungry..  but when i sit to feed her, she cooperates a bit more with me..  or i've been cheating and feeding her yogurt and a Boost drink..  sometimes i don't have the patience for her to not accept food, so i give her Boost drink..  it's better than nothing..  i have offered to feed her for Dad..  he's been happy that i take over that chore..  but he hovers and gets angry when she doesn't open her mouth right away..  i force him to leave the room so that i can feed her in peace..  Dad is always surprized when i get her to eat her meals..  becuz i have the patience to get her attention to eat..  sometimes, she's just not interested in eating.. but i always have that Boost ready to go and she drinks that, willingly, becuz it's chocolate..  she likes chocolate..

We had picked up Sis' fiance, Steve from the UK, at the Vegas Airport in May..  they were married Memorial weekend, more steps towards his visa US citizenship..  he has to fly back to UK in July..  so he can do more paperwork on his visa..  and then he will be able to stay permanently here in the US..  this will take months..

Mom recently had a fall and took Dad down with her..  he hit his head and his back against a wall while Mom landed in the kitchen on the floor..  Dad was the one who was bleeding and she just seemed shaken..  so i tended to his bleeding.. which wasn't bad..  he scraped some skin off his head and some scabs broke open on his arm..    i bandaged him up and told him to take some aspirin becuz he will have a headache later and his arm was bruised up from hitting a metal standing shelves...  the stubborn man won't go to the ER..  so i'm hoping he will be ok..  and Mom seems alright.. but without xrays..  we won't know for sure.. and she's not able to cooperate for xrays.. becuz she's so hunched over and can't move her limbs much and doesn't understand commands..

this is getting harder..  but i have to keep going.. and keep Dad going..  
hopefully Dad will consider more help..  i'm hoping.. but i'm not holding my breath on it..

When I woke up from the death, I was dug 6 feet under the earth in a casket, Screaming...

i made a decision today to help my health.  i've been doing some research about herbal supplements that help stop sugar cravings.  the best one it seems is ginseng.  not only does it help stop sugar cravings, it helps with depression, boosts immunity, boost energy, helps with your wellbeing, and helps with mental focus and stress.  in a nut shell, i bought ginseng supplement and devil's claw.  devil's claw is anti-inflammatory and helps with pain too..  this joint pain is making me miserable, so enough is enough.. and CBD and tumeric wasn't working anymore..

i took 2 pills of each and i felt better right then.  i don't know if that's my hopeful wishing or maybe it works that fast.  but i do feel better..

my lisinopril has been upped for blood pressure and i started metformin last month to help lower sugar levels.  but it seemed that my sugar cravings went off the charts.  i couldn't stop until now..

today i am drinking water..  i need to drink more water..  i'm only borderline diabetic which wasn't bad enough to get some help from the diabetes/endocrine center to help me with eating plan.  i'm not sure if i should be happy i'm not diabetic becuz only if i was, then i would get help..  figures..  so more figuring things out on my own..

i got rid of my gym membership and my verizon cellphone..  i had no motivation to go to the gym and my joints are hurting and i had to realize that i couldn't keep my 666 phone#, it wasn't realistic.  i have a local number that is good enough.. my goth # gone now, i am sad..

Dad and Jeff haven't gone back to work full time yet, so Dad's been home more to take care of Mom, but i see that it's wearing him out..  i am always available when he needs help, that is why i am not working..  usually on fridays and the weekends, he wants to get away for a few hours, i don't say no, he deserves the break..  he gets more frustrated with Mom's dementia antics than i do..  becuz i went to support group meetings to learn more about the condition..  that's what i am, the researcher, the problem solver and the go-to gal for everything..  and that's what i have to be for this journey..

i found an ottoman for Mom to put her feet up to help reduce the swelling in her legs, $5 at a hospice thrift shop!  Dad didn't want to spend any money to get a power chair and Medicare doesn't pay for equipment..  the ottoman has helped her lean back in the seat instead of leaning forward to lay her head in her lap..  it wasn't a good position for her to sleep in, her head on her lap..  now she sleeps with a neck pillow around the front of her neck, for if she sleeps with her head down and her feet up making her sit back..  instead of $1000 chair, i got a $5 ottoman..  geez the way you have to figure out to make things work..

it's been 6 months since i worked at a job.. i think i miss working..  i can't believe i said that..  probably becuz caregiving for a dementia patient who is also your mother and be leaned on a lot by your dad to help him with everything else too, is very hard and draining and depressing..  and i'm seeing what i'm missing..

hanging out with friends, dating.. i don't have a somebody to be with..

i don't have anything to really live for..  except my Sis and her little boy..  but there's nothing really for me, like my own child or a boyfriend...  

this is what dementia does..  it takes you away from living life..  this is why most family caregiver die too soon..  they lose their will to live and want to die..

becuz they feel like they are in an empty black hole..

Now that we know your weakness, We’ll pull you through the mud, We won’t kill you, We’ll just drink your blood...

Well I had to quit my job...  it was so toxic to me that it changed my personality to someone who was meaner and angry at everyone, especially at home..  i didn't realize that this had happened to me until it was pointed out the day after i had quit.. Sis mentioned that i was much lighter and nicer again..

No i didn't have another job lined up, when i was pushed as far as i had been, i didn't care about having another job ready to move into..

it was a brilliant way i did it too..  no explanations, no "story" to give..  i just said, "today is my last day"..  and that was all i gave..  of course, it was a day where 3 people had called out too..  so i couldn't just say i quit and walk..  i'm sure i could have but it was hard enough with me covering for patient check-ins and the manager doing my chart prepping job..  it was THE MOST STRESSFUL day of my life..  and i felt i could do it becuz the next day i wasn't coming back..  i didn't tell anyone else either..  so i'm sure they got a big surprize when i didn't show up for work on Tuesday..  i just worked as if i was going to be there all week..  

you can't imagine the pure relief i felt after leaving that job, it felt like a fist that's been clenched for too long, trying to open its hand..  i was replaying all sorts of scenarios of how i could have said things, but i felt that my lack of explaining myself or have "a cover story" to make me seem more noble in why i'm leaving them short staffed on short notice, worked more in my favor, so there would be no ammo used against me, other than possible "no notice, job abandonment"..  i didn't care becuz all things must end badly or else they will never end..  i couldn't stomach doing things the "proper way" and work the two weeks notice..  and giving two weeks notice is only a courtesy and not a mandatory thing..  and that office did nothing to me that was courteous or even respectful..  
behind my back, FAT women were making fun of me and making faces and even going so far as to follow me down the hallways making gestures and mimicking me in exaggeration ways..  and one woman whom i had depended on for information and help, had been speaking behind my back about how i was too stupid to do my job..  i was in utter shock to learn of this.. i thought that i had been accepted into their office..  i guess not when the bullying started by one of the long time un-certified MAs..  she had begun to harass me about every little thing that i did wrong with my job and she would harp at me like she was talking to a child..  and then i would get daily notes about what i screwed up, and then the manager would start to double check my work and give me more notes..  i had no encouragement or even any positive feedback at all..  i can't improve if everything i do is wrong..  i knew it was the end for me..  becuz of the daily harassment, i kept getting worse at my job, even tho i tried harder to do better, it wasn't good enough..  and everyone was always too busy to help me..  it was a losing battle..

so for the last couple of months, i would involuntarily cry on my commute to work..  i had dreaded going to work every day..  and then i started having panic attacks when i got home..
my health was taking a turn for the worst..  my blood pressure was rising to almost heart attack level..  and now that i'm not working there..  i'm sure i'm back to near normal level..

i get my old job back of watching Mom..  but Dad has been home the last few days, so i took that time to sleep and rest..  i sure deserved it and earned it..

i told my career services adviser about what happened on Monday..  she wasn't at work that day becuz she had a flat tire..  but she said that if i wasn't happy at all working there, it was ok that i did what i did.. she was worried that i might be labeled under job abandonment for that office..  C told me that i needed to rest and recupe from that horrible experience and also be looking for job openings..  she said that what i did was ok and it was survival..

i had to lie to my Dad tho..  i told him i was fired..  i'm sure i would have been after they were done torturing me..  he doesn't want to hear about quitting a job becuz of emotional distress, he's old school German and doesn't believe in such petty things..  work is work and you do your work and not care about what people say about you..  is what he would always say..
he asked if i was gonna get unemployment, i said i wouldn't becuz they would make up a reason to not pay it..  what Dad doesn't know won't hurt him..  at least he's happy now that i'm available to help him with Mom again..

Sis is stepping up to go back to the long hours at work to pay the house bills and my bills..
This has made her happy too..  she had been so unhappy with me working full time and her cut of pay and hours..  she would make comments to me all the time about her lack of money..  

and i'm not going back to pizza..  my car is overheating and i have no money to repair it and they don't have any openings for me anyway..  

i'm just gonna enjoy my healing time, to get over the horrors i escaped from..  and work on job applications..  and find something that i can enjoy doing..

And I’m feeling today, so lost and strange...

More recent updates..

i graduated with my Associates Degree in July, i got a job at a clinic, 40 miles away from home, the commute sucks and i have to get up so early to start my day..  5am..  be on the road by 6am to make it to work before 7:30am..  SUCKS!  the office is horrible, run by a manager who doesn't manage anything and doesn't help solve problems..  a few long timers are basically running the office as long as there isn't any real cat fighting..  it's oppressive and i feel so doubtful of what i do now, becuz i get daily notes of things i screw up..  and no notes of any encouragement..  one person was fired for a made up reason, i'm not sure if wrongful firing would be recognized here, becuz it's at will employment..  a short time carpool buddy was run off to a job locally, she was bullied becuz she was young and in school to be an MA, the long time MAs were jealous of that and bullied the hell out of her..  no HR doesn't help with office bullying, Arizona doesn't recognize office bullying as an issue, so nothing was done..  except now we have 2 less people and that heaps more duties onto everyone..

a raise is coming to everyone on the next check, coming out next week but i feel it's not enough to put up with the crap that is going on in the office and it's not enough for me to commute 80 miles a day..

i have my Career Services adviser looking for other openings for me, in my local area only..  no more commutes..

Becuz i am full time employed and out of town, Sis had to step up and take over watching Mom..

Mom doesn't like her at all..  it's what she did to me the first few years, as you know..  She had to stop doing full time work and go down to part time pay, which is not much and she's not happy..

i still have to work for my Dad, even tho i'm dog tired after working all day..  he doesn't seem to care how tired my job makes me and now he's not paying me at all for the work i do, except every now and then that i need to ask for money..

we're podcasting on sundays now.. or trying to, me and Matt are in depression mode and don't really wanna do anything, but we do make recordings of our own segments and he puts them together, so at least it's something that is made for podcast..  

i'm not be a whiner, i'm venting about how much i hate my job..  it's overwhelming and i just want to scream at people to leave me alone so i can do my work, but i end up swallowing my anger and just listen and do as i'm told, at least try to..  i can't just up and quit yet.. 

things are ok but i'm in depression mode and fighting my way thru it, even tho it's kicking my ass..

i had a plan to workout on the weekends since i have paid for gym membership, i've only been twice in 6 months..  i just don't wanna do anything on the weekends..  but i need to get up and go!!  becuz i'm paying for nothing.. goddammit..

life isn't too bad..  the paycheck is a lot nicer than pizza..  the job is just so draining, and makes you feel so tired and brain dead at the end of the day..  i hate that feeling..  and i'm even on valerian root to keep me from having a meltdown, but it doesn't seem to be enough..

i need to get up and do workout at the gym..  get up bitch and do those workouts on the weekend, goddammit!

Through my eyes I see the world Different than yours, Different than anybody else, No one else..

i know it has been quite a while since i've last blogged..  

Dad forced Mom back into the shower to get her cleaned, he couldn't stand the smell anymore and Mom was refusing to cooperate, so he basically did push her in..  after a few times of her crying every time it was shower time, she now is back in the habit of showering with Dad having to wash her completely now becuz she has no clue on what to do..
Mom has reverted to more child-like and puppy dog mentality with Dad, she follows him all over the house and outside, if he does any cleaning or yard work..
Mom doesn't know how to clean herself up after going to the bathroom, she now needs assistance but she doesn't want to go alone, and usually she signals to one of us to go with her..

i'm usually with her all day starting at 9am til 4 or 5pm, whenever Dad and Jeff get home from work..

i'm finishing my Associates Degree for Health Sciences, i'm working on the prerequisite courses now since i finished my main course work and was given my diploma of certification for Medical Administrative Assistant..  
my phone has constantly been ringing with calls from my Career Services Advisers trying to let me know of job openings in my area and my resume was redone and rewritten by resume writers who make me sound so very qualified for anything!
i've also finally gotten to talk to Academic Coaches becuz of a minor plagiarism issue, even tho i cited my sources for an assignment, the instructor still felt that i was plagiarizing and she wanted me to redo my work or else she's have to report me..
i called the coaches to get some help on how to write in a way that didn't sound like verbatim..  i was told by an adviser that facts are facts and everybody is gonna quote them, but the disaster was avoided..

i did get to one interview for a front desk receptionist, but she felt i didn't have quite enough experience to do the job..  it's a small office that is overwhelmed and understaffed and the office manager is doing 4 jobs to keep it running..  i knew that i nailed the interview but i was fine with her decision, i really didn't want to get dumped into a situation that was gonna be trying to catch up with everyone else..

and i've been passed to another Career Services adviser and my phone has been silent for a week..  i did talk to him once just to give him info he needed to be able to do quick applies to applications for job openings and for us to get to know each other..  but i'm not comfortable with my phone not ringing..  it's weird for me..  since the other advisers were always calling me at least every other day..

in January was the new wage hike for minimum wage employees..  i'm now $7 an hour on the road and $10 an hour in the store for my pizza delivery job..  my paychecks have definitely improved, even me working weekends still, are now showing more money earned..  it's still the amount of half of a full time worker's check.. but it's much improved..
the tips have been dreadful for the last few months..  but at least it's enough to put gas in my car daily during my weekend job..

we're not podcasting as much, due to both of our lives are busy..  my partner Matt is busy with school and his job and now he's making plans to move to another state to be with his girlfriend..  Mom can't be left alone and my Sis has been so sick with Acute Bronchitis which is contagious and severe.. so she hasn't been able to sit with her so i can podcast..  and she hasn't been able to work for 2 weeks already..  while i did the rum remedy that kept me from getting sick..
sometimes i can get my snowbird neighbor, Carol, who is a retired nurse, to sit with Mom on occasions..
Skype hasn't been doing so great, so i did find another chat program which seems to work better and i told Matt about it, so we're gonna try it out..
i use it for my DnD online gaming, and i'm talking to people all over the States, including Hawaii..  and it's a more solid connection and no buffering like damm Skype does..

i might have to just bring Mom over to my house probably..  when i podcast and put her in front of our TV to keep her entertained..  that just might do it..  
but not until Sis gets better..

i'm on medication now for hypertension and thyroid issues, i'm still having pelvic pains that haven't been resolved yet..  i'm a mystery..  i just need to get to a chiropractor to get an adjustment in my back, hopefully that will solve it in my front.. i've been having pelvic pains since September and they refuse to give me pain meds, becuz i asked for them to be able to function and deal with the pain..  so now i'm flagged as a junkie, for asking for pain meds to deal with pain..  i'm still trying to figure that one out..  i need a buttload of pills to deal with my buttload of pain (Dr. House quote)  i took 9 today becuz i couldn't walk normally..
so right now i can walk but it doesn't hurt as bad as when i woke up..
the pelvic pain is any use of my lower abdomen core muscles, even sneezing hurts so bad..
transitional movements, bending, rolling over in bed, coughing..  it feels like i'm being punched in the guts with the Hulk's fist..  everything feels bruised is the best way i can describe it..  even the pelvis bones feel bruised..  i'm a mystery, they couldn't find any evidence of me being injured..  so they think i'm lying becuz i'm not crying my eyes out or screaming..  and my weight is being addressed with the thyroid medicine..  i just need to figure out how to do more without hurting myself worse..  first step is getting to a chiropractor and then i'll go to our latest gym that's opened up to get a trainer to help me..
i was prescribed physical therapy but that was limited thru my insurance..  
no physical therapy, my pains have worsened..  but i'll figure something out..

Little Chris has his own PS3 now and we share some games we can play online together..
Plants VS Zombies Garden Warfare and Minecraft and i gave him my original Skyrim disc becuz i bought a legendary edition of Skyrim, so now we watch each other play Skyrim!!
we are so into Skyrim, for Halloween i put together a Dovahkin costume for him and this year i will try to dress as one too so we can be Dovahkin together..!

my school has been sending out my resumes online to local medical offices all over town, i went to one interview a couple of weeks ago...  even tho i did nail the interview, i just wasn't experienced enough for them to give me a job..  i have another interview on Monday(2-27) morning and 3 people are gonna be interviewing me, i'm not quite freaking out yet, but i probably will be in the morning..  my school advisers have been calling me all weekend to prep me for the interview..  they really want me to succeed but it's lots of pressure becuz i don't wanna let them down, but i was told that me just going to these interviews is a big step and they are proud of that!

see?  so much has happened and i'm still working towards changing my home life for the better, we all need a break from Mom, including Dad..  He needs to be taken care of so that he can be around for a while longer..  

stay tuned for more news updates..

Choke away the flames inside, like a winter's cold..

i just wanna cry all the time now..  i feel so broken like i don't matter..

all this responsibility is on me but yet i'm made to feel like a failure when Dad doesn't act on anything solution i bring him..

he doesn't want to pay for services to help Mom.. fine, i found one that will come in-home for free thru medicare..  but Dad doesn't want anyone in the house becuz he's embarrassed by how it looks on the inside, but if he's away at work all day, what does it matter??..

so then he decided he wanted to send Mom to an adult daycare so that nobody comes into the house..  fine, i found a nearby nursing home ,within half a mile of us,that does adult daycare for $88 a day, for 6 hours and they will get her cleaned up and even feed her lunch and snacks..  but no, that's too much money..

SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO NOW?  WHAT DOES HE WANT?

he keeps bitching and complaining to me that she smells so bad and i keep reminding him that there are 2 options that will take care of the problem if he consents to one of them..  he says that he can't just decide right away on what to do he needs to think about them..    it's going on to the 4th week that Mom hasn't showered...  there is a high possibility that she could get sick like with UTIs or something of that nature that will make the dementia condition even worse..  she could get more violent or something like that..

a friend did suggest to me that i should go to court and get guardianship of Mom, but the big number one issue is that i have no money to take care of her, she would be worse off if i had to be fully responsible of her..  Mom has medicare now but it won't cover much..  Dad has all the savings and all the monies and he is her spouse, i have no authority..  some places do let me know information becuz i am on the paperwork as an advocate for her, she did do that before she got so bad..    but i have no power of attorney, Mom thought that if she gave power of attorney that we would put her in a nursing home and just forget about her..  so in that way, she tied my hands..  
it's all up to Dad and he's dragging his feet..   action needs to happen now..
and i can't do anything..

i'm guessing Dad still can't accept the fact that we can't help her at home..  he's still trying to force her to do things and she's fighting even him now..
i do make food for her and leave it on the dining room table for her to see, if she wants it, she'll eat it..  
she spends most of the day outside, like she's waiting for Dad but yet she still sits outside if he's home, so i'm guessing she wants to go somewhere..

i don't sit with her, i do check on her every hour and make sure she has a bottle of water to keep hydrated..  lately she's been so hateful mean to me..

i took her to the doctor's appointment yesterday and all she did was do pantomines that she wanted to snap my neck and then she shoved her fist in my face like she wanted to punch me..  with a multitudes of rings on each finger of that hand, it hurt..  she didn't punch me but she shoved her fist hard on my cheek and mouth..    i grabbed her hand and told her to stop..
she almost made a huge scene becuz we were waiting for the doctor..  she was livid and pissed but mostly at me becuz i took her from home, and i'm not Dad, we drove to the appointment in his truck..  she let Jill the receptionist know how much she was pissed at me..  and Jill kept trying to tell her that i am a good daughter doing things for her..    i was so close to tears but i wouldn't let them fall, not to satisfy Mom..

i am feeling so helpless and useless and a failure..  and i don't get a break from this, it's 7 days a week..  and i can barely function at work becuz the spiritual drain is so much..  
my boss is now becoming angry with me becuz now i'm inconveniencing him becuz i can't come in when i'm scheduled becuz Dad on the weekends does what he wants and never considers what time i have to work..  
i tell my boss every week to not schedule me so early in the afternoon, but he never remembers and just does what he wants on the schedule..
he even had the gall to ask me what my plans are for Mom, i said i had several plans but somebody else has to agree to one of them for anything to happen..

so with my Dad being inconsiderate to me, i ask my sister to just check on Mom every hour to make sure she's ok while i'm gone til Dad gets home..  and that's the best i can do..
Mom hates my sister too right now, so Sis has to keep out of sight or not engage her..  

this whole thing is so stressful, it is killing me and Sis becuz Dad won't jump on any options we've given him..  
all he has to do is talk to people to give consent to start the process..  and he won't..
i know this is taking a toll on him too, i see him looking more worn down each day..  i think it's also becuz he's now trying to work fulltime again after a long winter break of no work..  he spent all of the winter taking care of Mom almost full time but then she was more compliant, now she's not..

i watched THE TAKING OF DEBORAH LOGAN last night, again, to see what an even more horrible possibility that could happen to a dementia patient..
dementia/alzheimer patients are possibly susceptible to demonic forces becuz their brains are weakened from the disease..  and sometimes she does very strange sounds that sound a lot like the movie..  (Mom hasn't seen the movie, i don't know how she would handle it)

i just want Dad to choose an option i spent time researching..
Pick one Dad, goddammit!  otherwise, i don't know what else to do, you won't let me help other than babysit her..
i don't know what else to do to get thru to him..

i called my baby sister, who Dad loves the most, and left a message about what's going on..  i begged her to talk some sense into him and get him to see that we are to the point that Mom won't let us help her..  Outside help is required now and it needs to be done now, or it will be worse when she gets sick with UTIs or infections..

i am stuck..

Closing your eyes while driving along, Crashing in to murder walls, Rebel angels and the victims of our youth..

i can't sleep at the moment..

i've been sick for the last 4 days, stuck in bed and cooped up in the house..

i had to take the weekend off work to recover, and it bugs the hell out of me that i missed out on making some tip money but i know that i wasn't able to fully function at work..  i will be more of a problem than a help and it's better that i stay home..  now that it's spring break..

i've been getting sick very easily and it lasts longer than it should..

i think it's mostly due to stress of being depended on so much by my family..

Dad needs my help with Mom becuz of her dementia condition and Sis depends on me to help her with little Chris..

plus i'm trying to care about work, which i don't anymore..  i'm too old for pizza biz..  so i started online schooling for Medical Administration Assistant..

i have til October to finish the course and get my diploma and the school will help place me in a new office job and it will be my exit from the pizza biz finally..

Mom's condition has now deteriorated that Dad doesn't feel like he can leave her alone at home anymore..

she cries when he leaves for work and as much as he wants to stay with her, which makes her happy, he can't becuz he has to work..

Mom no longer hates us..  she doesn't know that Sis is her daughter or that little Chris is her grandson, and i think she doesn't know i'm her daughter either now..

but she does know that she can come to me for help..

her latest thing is that she gets jealous when i'm talking to Dad, she thinks i'm trying to steal him away from her..  ewww Mom.. gross..

she mostly naps during the daytime now..  and she is not on any medications..

so now she is up part of the night, wandering around the house, bumping into things becuz the lights are off..  Dad might have to consider getting someone to be there at night when she does that, and to make sure that she doesn't leave the house..  i'm gonna suggest that to him, becuz night time is when everyone needs their rest..

but right now i can't sleep, becuz i've been napping on and off for days becuz i've been so sick and my sleep schedule is way off now..  Dad doesn't understand why we get sick a lot, he hardly gets sick, but then he drinks beers everyday.. 

i'm seriously thinking about drinking more alcohol becuz that seems to keep the bugs from getting to you..  somehow i need to be a highly functioning alcoholic..  yeah like i could do that, i get drunk off 2 glasses of alcoholic drinks..

Dad has to go to 12 radiation treatments for basal cell carcinoma that was found on his back..  a long time little mole became huge and cancerous recently..

luckily basal cell carcinoma isn't a spreading type of cancer, at least in normal cases..  it's a very treatable and curable type of cancer..  i'm still freaking out about it..  just the thought that he has a cancer, scares the hell out of me..

he's scheduled 2 days a week, radiation won't hurt him, like chemo would, it will make him slightly tired and he might feel some nausea..

he's a tough old German, i don't think that radiation will slow him down much, even tho he is 74..  i wish i had his mental fortitude to not let anything put him down..  we(Sis & I) are stubborn and willful when challenged, but illness unfortunately, does take some time to recover from..

Mom is such a puppy dog now that she follows him around and her speech is very indecipherable..  it's not even english anymore, but a form of stuttering gibberish..  she's most happy when he's around, but i can see that it's draining him a bit..  and now she's up, wandering around at night becuz she has napped most of the day..

i still am awake, i have to sit with Mom starting at 8am.. dammit..

podcast is still going on..

my current project is to get our logo done so that we can make a merch page to start bringing money in to pay for our podcast fees and possibly new equipment..  and maybe make monies to do conventions, so that we can get more exposure for our podcast..

i've submitted the logo concept to a few people and i'm waiting to hear what can be done about it..  little Chris(Boom Doom, our youngest podcast guest host) created it for us and we just need it to not look like a 7 yr old drew it..

my podcast partner, Matt, has been lately busy trying to book interviews for us, i recently scored a UK independent horror film director who wants to chat with us about his latest crowdfunding project, which i gave some money to..

it's gonna be a bitch to get up in the early am to talk to him..  but i will do it..

i also set up a new vampirefreaks account for the podcast to get more bands to let us play their musics..  i don't know why i didn't do it before..

they kept getting confused with my former radio name that is not my current podcast name..  so now there is no confusion anymore..  and it's been getting great responses.. 

just gotta keep going, gotta dig and find my strength to keep doing what Dad needs and to keep going with my schooling..  it bugs him that he's not paying for it this time, a little less control of what i'm doing..  for the longest time, the money issue kept me from doing what i needed to do to go further than just where i am..  i'm not happy with where i am..  i feel stuck and now i have a way that i'm digging myself out of this hole that i've been trapped in..

he shouldn't worry about me leaving, i have no where else to go, i'm here until her end or until he finally has had enough and puts her in a home..

i just hope that we can all hold on til either option is presented..

CALABRESE Adventure #3..

February 26, we took off for Vegas again for another CALABRESE show back at The Dive Bar..

None of Sis' friends were wanting to take little Chris for the night, so we took him with us..  i got us a room at the Railroad Pass Casino outside of Vegas and near the junction connection to get us to the road that leads home..  we even were given our same room from last year, without even asking for it!

we got into the room, little Chris was freaked out by the elevators at first..  he hasn't been on any in quite a long time, but after a few times on them, he was comfortable with it..

we went for dinner in the casino restaurant, not the buffet, i wasn't in the mood for buffet and i was sorry to be the one keeping them from buffet, but i was paying for the meals..

we got ready up in the room, little Chris discovered the wonders of the hotel shower, which is like twice the size of my shower, he spent a while in there mostly playing in there..

Sis & i helped each other get ready in our outfits.. 

we headed out to the bar before 9pm, that's what the tickets said the show would start, the bands started at 9:30 this time, Calabrese was last to get on stage, thankfully at midnight this time!

the guys interviewed with me again, this time i had lots of questions that Sis helped write most of them becuz i got stumped thinking of questions..

i didn't call Sis to come join me during the questions, i so fangirled out like an idiot, but the guys were nice enough to overlook it and never once made me feel like an idiot..

it was a fun interview, i had to edit the hell out of it becuz i sounded like such an asshole..  i didn't mean to sound like that i get nervous and stuff comes out of my mouth without me being able to restrain it..  i really need to work on that..

i think i shouldn't interview them again until i have better control on my mouth or let Sis do the interview..  she said that i sounded fine, but to me i hear how bad i was..  

the next time i'll get them to do station ID liners since they are too busy to send me anything..

i had asked each of the guys to come outside to meet with Little Chris!  they nicely talked to him and he impressed them by knowing their names!

they each took their picture with him and were very nice to him..

Little Chris with Jimmy Calabrese

Chris with Bobby Calabrese

Chris with Davey Calabrese

Chris wasn't allowed in to the bar, even to be near the stage, and so Sis and he stayed outside wandering around, walking all over part of the Maryland Parkway S across from the bar.. 

we had taken Sis' car and i am not comfortable driving stick shift and we didn't know how much a cab/shuttle would be 18 miles from the hotel and back..  so they stayed out in the car, sleeping until i was ready to leave..  i had bought a ticket for Sis but she couldn't leave Chris alone and she said this trip was really for me who doesn't get to travel or get out much..  that was so nice of her to do that for me..

i spent over $100 at their merch table, becuz there were shirts i was buying to Sis and little Chris, got us all dog tags, bought Sis a vinyl album they made of her favorite Calabrese album, Born with A Scorpion's Touch, which they all signed for her..  i bought it as a thank you for driving us to Vegas..

their performance was so amazing!  and the same sound guy, again made them sound horrible..  but we had crowded close to the stage again to hear what they were singing, which we all were singing along and dancing, so it didn't matter..  i was standing near the speaker again, so my hearing got blown out for 3 days, which it was well worth it to see them in concert..

talking and hanging out with Calabrese always makes my year so much better..  i try to aspire to their kind of coolness, patience and not to talk negatively about people..  becuz they are so like-able and friendly and they put up with all sorts of fangirly types..  LOL!

seeing Calabrese is my yearly trip, and one i'll keep doing becuz they inspire me to do more than just dream my dreams, they taught me to make my dreams a reality..