i can't sleep at the moment..
i've been sick for the last 4 days, stuck in bed and cooped up in the house..
i had to take the weekend off work to recover, and it bugs the hell out of me that i missed out on making some tip money but i know that i wasn't able to fully function at work.. i will be more of a problem than a help and it's better that i stay home.. now that it's spring break..
i've been getting sick very easily and it lasts longer than it should..
i think it's mostly due to stress of being depended on so much by my family..
Dad needs my help with Mom becuz of her dementia condition and Sis depends on me to help her with little Chris..
plus i'm trying to care about work, which i don't anymore.. i'm too old for pizza biz.. so i started online schooling for Medical Administration Assistant..
i have til October to finish the course and get my diploma and the school will help place me in a new office job and it will be my exit from the pizza biz finally..
Mom's condition has now deteriorated that Dad doesn't feel like he can leave her alone at home anymore..
she cries when he leaves for work and as much as he wants to stay with her, which makes her happy, he can't becuz he has to work..
Mom no longer hates us.. she doesn't know that Sis is her daughter or that little Chris is her grandson, and i think she doesn't know i'm her daughter either now..
but she does know that she can come to me for help..
her latest thing is that she gets jealous when i'm talking to Dad, she thinks i'm trying to steal him away from her.. ewww Mom.. gross..
she mostly naps during the daytime now.. and she is not on any medications..
so now she is up part of the night, wandering around the house, bumping into things becuz the lights are off.. Dad might have to consider getting someone to be there at night when she does that, and to make sure that she doesn't leave the house.. i'm gonna suggest that to him, becuz night time is when everyone needs their rest..
but right now i can't sleep, becuz i've been napping on and off for days becuz i've been so sick and my sleep schedule is way off now.. Dad doesn't understand why we get sick a lot, he hardly gets sick, but then he drinks beers everyday..
i'm seriously thinking about drinking more alcohol becuz that seems to keep the bugs from getting to you.. somehow i need to be a highly functioning alcoholic.. yeah like i could do that, i get drunk off 2 glasses of alcoholic drinks..
Dad has to go to 12 radiation treatments for basal cell carcinoma that was found on his back.. a long time little mole became huge and cancerous recently..
luckily basal cell carcinoma isn't a spreading type of cancer, at least in normal cases.. it's a very treatable and curable type of cancer.. i'm still freaking out about it.. just the thought that he has a cancer, scares the hell out of me..
he's scheduled 2 days a week, radiation won't hurt him, like chemo would, it will make him slightly tired and he might feel some nausea..
he's a tough old German, i don't think that radiation will slow him down much, even tho he is 74.. i wish i had his mental fortitude to not let anything put him down.. we(Sis & I) are stubborn and willful when challenged, but illness unfortunately, does take some time to recover from..
Mom is such a puppy dog now that she follows him around and her speech is very indecipherable.. it's not even english anymore, but a form of stuttering gibberish.. she's most happy when he's around, but i can see that it's draining him a bit.. and now she's up, wandering around at night becuz she has napped most of the day..
i still am awake, i have to sit with Mom starting at 8am.. dammit..
podcast is still going on..
my current project is to get our logo done so that we can make a merch page to start bringing money in to pay for our podcast fees and possibly new equipment.. and maybe make monies to do conventions, so that we can get more exposure for our podcast..
i've submitted the logo concept to a few people and i'm waiting to hear what can be done about it.. little Chris(Boom Doom, our youngest podcast guest host) created it for us and we just need it to not look like a 7 yr old drew it..
my podcast partner, Matt, has been lately busy trying to book interviews for us, i recently scored a UK independent horror film director who wants to chat with us about his latest crowdfunding project, which i gave some money to..
it's gonna be a bitch to get up in the early am to talk to him.. but i will do it..
i also set up a new vampirefreaks account for the podcast to get more bands to let us play their musics.. i don't know why i didn't do it before..
they kept getting confused with my former radio name that is not my current podcast name.. so now there is no confusion anymore.. and it's been getting great responses..
just gotta keep going, gotta dig and find my strength to keep doing what Dad needs and to keep going with my schooling.. it bugs him that he's not paying for it this time, a little less control of what i'm doing.. for the longest time, the money issue kept me from doing what i needed to do to go further than just where i am.. i'm not happy with where i am.. i feel stuck and now i have a way that i'm digging myself out of this hole that i've been trapped in..
he shouldn't worry about me leaving, i have no where else to go, i'm here until her end or until he finally has had enough and puts her in a home..
i just hope that we can all hold on til either option is presented..
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