Choke away the flames inside, like a winter's cold..

i just wanna cry all the time now..  i feel so broken like i don't matter..

all this responsibility is on me but yet i'm made to feel like a failure when Dad doesn't act on anything solution i bring him..

he doesn't want to pay for services to help Mom.. fine, i found one that will come in-home for free thru medicare..  but Dad doesn't want anyone in the house becuz he's embarrassed by how it looks on the inside, but if he's away at work all day, what does it matter??..

so then he decided he wanted to send Mom to an adult daycare so that nobody comes into the house..  fine, i found a nearby nursing home ,within half a mile of us,that does adult daycare for $88 a day, for 6 hours and they will get her cleaned up and even feed her lunch and snacks..  but no, that's too much money..

SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO NOW?  WHAT DOES HE WANT?

he keeps bitching and complaining to me that she smells so bad and i keep reminding him that there are 2 options that will take care of the problem if he consents to one of them..  he says that he can't just decide right away on what to do he needs to think about them..    it's going on to the 4th week that Mom hasn't showered...  there is a high possibility that she could get sick like with UTIs or something of that nature that will make the dementia condition even worse..  she could get more violent or something like that..

a friend did suggest to me that i should go to court and get guardianship of Mom, but the big number one issue is that i have no money to take care of her, she would be worse off if i had to be fully responsible of her..  Mom has medicare now but it won't cover much..  Dad has all the savings and all the monies and he is her spouse, i have no authority..  some places do let me know information becuz i am on the paperwork as an advocate for her, she did do that before she got so bad..    but i have no power of attorney, Mom thought that if she gave power of attorney that we would put her in a nursing home and just forget about her..  so in that way, she tied my hands..  
it's all up to Dad and he's dragging his feet..   action needs to happen now..
and i can't do anything..

i'm guessing Dad still can't accept the fact that we can't help her at home..  he's still trying to force her to do things and she's fighting even him now..
i do make food for her and leave it on the dining room table for her to see, if she wants it, she'll eat it..  
she spends most of the day outside, like she's waiting for Dad but yet she still sits outside if he's home, so i'm guessing she wants to go somewhere..

i don't sit with her, i do check on her every hour and make sure she has a bottle of water to keep hydrated..  lately she's been so hateful mean to me..

i took her to the doctor's appointment yesterday and all she did was do pantomines that she wanted to snap my neck and then she shoved her fist in my face like she wanted to punch me..  with a multitudes of rings on each finger of that hand, it hurt..  she didn't punch me but she shoved her fist hard on my cheek and mouth..    i grabbed her hand and told her to stop..
she almost made a huge scene becuz we were waiting for the doctor..  she was livid and pissed but mostly at me becuz i took her from home, and i'm not Dad, we drove to the appointment in his truck..  she let Jill the receptionist know how much she was pissed at me..  and Jill kept trying to tell her that i am a good daughter doing things for her..    i was so close to tears but i wouldn't let them fall, not to satisfy Mom..

i am feeling so helpless and useless and a failure..  and i don't get a break from this, it's 7 days a week..  and i can barely function at work becuz the spiritual drain is so much..  
my boss is now becoming angry with me becuz now i'm inconveniencing him becuz i can't come in when i'm scheduled becuz Dad on the weekends does what he wants and never considers what time i have to work..  
i tell my boss every week to not schedule me so early in the afternoon, but he never remembers and just does what he wants on the schedule..
he even had the gall to ask me what my plans are for Mom, i said i had several plans but somebody else has to agree to one of them for anything to happen..

so with my Dad being inconsiderate to me, i ask my sister to just check on Mom every hour to make sure she's ok while i'm gone til Dad gets home..  and that's the best i can do..
Mom hates my sister too right now, so Sis has to keep out of sight or not engage her..  

this whole thing is so stressful, it is killing me and Sis becuz Dad won't jump on any options we've given him..  
all he has to do is talk to people to give consent to start the process..  and he won't..
i know this is taking a toll on him too, i see him looking more worn down each day..  i think it's also becuz he's now trying to work fulltime again after a long winter break of no work..  he spent all of the winter taking care of Mom almost full time but then she was more compliant, now she's not..

i watched THE TAKING OF DEBORAH LOGAN last night, again, to see what an even more horrible possibility that could happen to a dementia patient..
dementia/alzheimer patients are possibly susceptible to demonic forces becuz their brains are weakened from the disease..  and sometimes she does very strange sounds that sound a lot like the movie..  (Mom hasn't seen the movie, i don't know how she would handle it)

i just want Dad to choose an option i spent time researching..
Pick one Dad, goddammit!  otherwise, i don't know what else to do, you won't let me help other than babysit her..
i don't know what else to do to get thru to him..

i called my baby sister, who Dad loves the most, and left a message about what's going on..  i begged her to talk some sense into him and get him to see that we are to the point that Mom won't let us help her..  Outside help is required now and it needs to be done now, or it will be worse when she gets sick with UTIs or infections..

i am stuck..