sea of dirt..

christmas came and went fast..

mom didn't hog the spotlight and i was so stressed out that day to make sure that she didn't blow up..  when little C got too loud or too rambunctious, she just put her fingers in her ears to mute the sound, but she didn't say anything at all..  which totally amazed the hell out of us..

we had our yearly trek to laughlin for xmas dinner(at lunch time)..  
mom behaved well enough but only did get a bit feisty when nobody didn't refill her coffee cup, she went up to get it and i had to follow her to make sure that she didn't cause a scene..

i still couldn't eat like you should eat at a buffet becuz i sat next to mom..
she's so critical of what i eat, i could only do little portions of mostly veggie-eater type tastes..
i felt bad becuz dad spent so much money on us for the buffet and me and Sis explained why i couldn't eat like i would have..

new years was uneventful..
Sis and little C went to her friends' house to party, Sis got so trashed and little C got a gash on the top of his head..  it wasn't deep enough for stitches but still it's a nasty looking gash that he won't let anybody touch becuz it hurts so much..
he did agree to a nice heated shower to wash out the wound and a big dose of kid's liquid ibuprofen for the swelling and pain..

Dad took us to a local chinese buffet, me mom, dad and big brother jeff(who hates chinese food and he usually doesn't come with us to china buffets),
i still couldn't eat like i should and so lots of sushi and veggies for me..
we all got so stuffed that we went home..

i went back to my place, got into my jammies and turned on netflix on the wii..
since i had the place to myself for a while, it was horror fest galore and i sure find the weirdest shit lately..

i've been in a depressed mode, i'm guessing..
no energy to do anything, i'm up all night and sleep most of the day..
i just don't wanna do anything..  everything seems like such a chore to do..

i'm so disgusted with my weight, i really don't want to eat anymore..
somehow i gotta get off my comfort food eating mode..  it's pissing me off and making me so fucking fat..
so..  after new years day..  i will get serious again and try a different eating style..
with lots of herbs to help me..  (no not marijuana, YUCK!)

hopefully i won't be sabotaged by mom or myself..  i have to be strong..
i know i have strong willpower, i can make anything happen that i want if i want it bad enough..  and losing weight is gonna be my main goal.. goddammit..

i'm tired of being size 20+..  everybody just bought me new pants that i can't fit into..
that so pissed me off..  time to be uber serious..

i finally filed online for unemployment..
i'm sure i won't get a call til next week or so..  everything is gonna be backed up til after the holidays are done..  

i heard from Paul once at christmas eve morning, he gave me a mini update,
that he was still working at a moving company and looking to get another job that would give him more money..
he claims that he hasn't gone out at all becuz his truck is in bad shape and he just hasn't had the money for gas..
he said that he had been thinking of me but he was just laying low to stay out of trouble..
(how nice..)

happy new year everyone..  i hope you make it good and prosperous and you get what you want..

that's the secret to getting things done..  you have to go after it and make it happen..