loveless god..

december has flown by so fast, it's already christmas eve..

mom has been having more good days, no unfortunately she's still not on any medication but her doctor did give us a free big bottle of taurine..  so maybe that is starting to work, he said it would calm her brain a bit..

it is impossible to go shopping with mom becuz  now all she rants about is products from china that fall apart too easily and are no good and that she wants american products, but the bad part is she does these rants in the stores and they have their hands on the phone to call the cops, i jump in and tell them that she has dementia and even tho that doesn't make it alright, at least they relax a tad to let her rant..

it's been most embarrassing to go anywhere with mom becuz now she HAS to tell people of their mistakes of the products in the stores..
with this condition, she has no filters on how to behave in public and so she thinks that her opinion is the only opinion that everybody should follow..
oh boy, those times are never fun..

and still her latest rantings are about her mom and stepdad..
i think she has told the story about how much a victim she was growing up, all of her adult life, that now she really believes it, when we found out that it wasn't true..
and the stuff that "she's remembering" somehow seem to be about what she did to us but she thinks it was her experiencing those horrors growing up..

and her mom called my dad the other day, very upset that she didn't receive a christmas card from us..
dad came over and told me that we should have sent a card and i explained that mom screwed up us from ever having to keep in contact with grandma becuz grandma's cure all for everything is to just go to church..
and grandma keeps telling mom that she's going to the wrong church, if it's not church of christ, she's practically a satanist.. (LOL!)
well mom's church has turned their backs on her becuz of her condition, even tho they didn't try to find out what was wrong with mom, they just stopped calling..
and mom is still devoted to that church, believing that they still care about her, even tho they had not contacted her in the last 3 yrs..
i took mom to her church last month, and i was sickened just being there becuz i could feel the fakeness of their phony sincerity..
thankfully we haven't gone back becuz mom's back has been hurting and she doesn't feel like going..

some churches, i've noticed, that when there is real faith, i feel a sense of panic in me that wants to leave the building..  i'm not sure of what this means, the only thing i can come up with is that i could be touched by evil, according to the horror movies..  
or maybe it stems from childhood trauma of going to church and being told by the church men running the church that we aren't worth their time or something..
after that i always hated going to church and fought with mom about it all thru my childhood up until i was 18 or 19 when i moved out of the house and i never went to church again unless i have to, like for memorial services or funerals..

so anyway, i went with dad to help pick out a christmas card for grandma and he even put in $100 walmart giftcard for her too and we took it to the post office even tho it was a sunday..  grandma probably won't get the card til almost new years..
and he wanted mom to sign it which i told her to just sign her name and i didn't tell her who the card was for..  and she did sign her name but she knew who it was for anyway and she was a bit mad that it won't be get there til after christmas..

i've spent every weekend going christmas shopping with dad, helping him pick out stuff for the family..
like for my baby sister in florida and her family and for us..
and i went shopping with mom to help her pick out stuff for her sister and her kids..

so now it's christmas eve and dad wants to come over to our house, becuz it's not cluttered like a hoarder's house like his..
he wants my Sis to cook sauerkraut and bratwerst and such..  he's gonna make his special german wassail..  it's so strong it could be a medical cure for colds and flu..  LOL!!

i still hate christmas but i won't ruin it for others, i can behave and pretend for the sake of others..
and christmas afternoon we are traveling to laughlin for our christmas dinner becuz nobody wants to cook or have weeks worth of leftovers..
plus at the casinos you get a better selection of food, and not have the traditional christmas meal, if you don't want it..  it irks me a bit on how expensive those buffets are..  for the day it shouldn't be that outrageous..  but casinos are in business to make money, and so on the holidays, they really make you pay for the privilege of not having to cook..  LOL!

i tried going to bed early like at midnight, but i couldn't sleep and so 1am i got up..
i'm still up, been on the computer..  it's now almost 3:30am, i'm gonna try to go back to bed..

happy horrordays everybody..