i hate the holidays..

now before you get all pissed off at me for saying such a thing, you should
know that my childhood holiday fun had been ruined by my mom..

she always had to scream and yell and fight with all of us becuz we were happy during the holidays and she wanted everyone as miserable as she is..

and now with her dementia condition, she has to be in the spotlight.. 
she can't let anyone be happy on a holiday meant for family..
the way we were raised, the family fights always happened on the holidays
and that soured me against holidays..

when i moved away to california for all those years, i didn't celebrate the holidays, unless it was something my friends wanted to do..
but when thanksgiving or xmas came up, i would stay in my room and sleep becuz it usually was the one day off of work i had to catch up on my sleep..

today was not so great...
i now have anxiety/panic attacks..  sitting next to mom at the restaurant table, i was barely able to eat, since she is super uber critical about my weight..
i had lots of little scoops on my plate, never anything in a large amount..
i really couldn't enjoy sitting next to mom and try to eat, she makes me too nervous that i lose my appetite..
but since dad paid a lot of money for us to be there, i went several times and got lots of little bits of food..
for the first time, i wasn't stuffed.. 
 i just wanted to be out of there before mom made a scene that might get us thrown out...and amazingly enough, she didn't cause one, but she did do a lecture about little C going to have diabetes becuz he got some chocolate treats from the chocolate fountain..  and everyone with a 5 ft radius could hear her lecture..

well i dropped and spilled my ice tea all over Sis and little C and the table, and then i cut my finger open while trying to butter a roll for little C and i had to leave the restaurant for a few mins to get my head clear..

dad was always asking me why i wasn't eating the turkey dinner..  i said i had my meat, i had meatloaf, and pot roast..
i did have stuffing and potatoes and sweet potato casserole..
i just don't like the usual turkey dinner..  it's boring to me..  and with a buffet, you have lots of other choices that are not the usual thanksgiving dinner..

i just hate holidays..  and with mom's condition..
it makes it worse..