the damned damned..

Sis and i are not wanting to spend time with Mom anymore..
she's killing us, emotionally and physically and mentally..  her condition is too much to handle..  we flinch every time Mom comes to our house..

we're never gonna be appreciated for being here..  we're not appreciated for all that we gave up to be here and now we are trapped since we don't have any money to leave..

and becuz i added a couple more days to my schedule, i am gonna give Mom $50 per check for now..  and it made her pretty happy that i handed her some cash and i told her that i will try to give her some money per check and she was happy about that..

i'm trying to hang onto going to the support group meetings but Sis hasn't gone in over a month and i don't think she will go back, she says that they really don't do anything for us and that she's tired of hearing just talk..
i need those meetings..  i need to keep talking to people who are in the same situation and to know that i'm not alone with this..
i like hearing other people talk of solutions and ideas to better the situation..
Mom's condition is not fixable or cure-able..  she will get worse and be an even bigger monster but yet she will also get to the point that she might not speak anymore since the left side of her brain is shrinking..
but with no treatments of any kind, she will be like this for a long long time..

F!@#$K!

and then Sis is being told by Dad and Mom that we haven't really helped them at all, they are doing us a favor by letting us stay in this house and not charging us any rent and they are paying for our utilities..
true they aren't charging us rent and they are paying for our utilities but they keep forgetting that they called us to come home..

well i'm not running away again..  i've nowhere to run and no place really to go..
i'm gonna see Mom to the end of her condition and i'm gonna keep trying to be the good daughter, even tho it is useless..

and when i can i will keep having the most amazing sex with my ex husband to make me feel like a woman..
and hopefully, one day soon, i will be having my vampire job, to be a phlebotomist and make better money and get out of the pizza gig..

i may be a sin eater but goddammit, i will not quit..  again..