hanging on by my fingernails..

Mom's dementia condition is such a rollercoaster ride that you ride blindfolded..
you never know when we're hitting the loops..

she thinks that she's functioning normally but yet she knows that there's something wrong with her, she just doesn't want to accept the truth and i've been told that, that's something that we can't push on her..  if she doesn't want to accept that she has dementia then fine.. she doesn't have believe that she has dementia..

and she can't hear herself when she talks to people..  people get so confused when she speaks becuz her aphasia is very bad..  (aphasia for those who don't know, is difficulty speaking, fragmented sentences and words mispronounced)..
she thinks that she's speaking normally when she obviously isn't..

i had her listen to a recording i made of her telling a story about a tv episode she watched..  now to me it didn't make any sense but to her it seemed clear..
i thought that if she heard how disjointed it sounded she would realize, but it seemed as clear as when she spoke it..

i don't know what else can be done..  she's refusing any treatments becuz they won't be herbal, she's not stable enough to go to a facility where they will force her to take meds and me and Sis are very tired and we get apprehensive at even the thought of spending time with her..  and Dad just refuses to be of any help except if she needs tests or money for whatever..

we try to give him education that we learn at the alzheimer/dementia support group on how to talk and deal with Mom..  he does it reluctantly but mostly he does get pissed off and react badly to her..  which sets her off for days and days..

and then she lectures me about giving her money for bills..  i only work the weekends so that i can be available to her during the week when she needs to run errands and she needs to be driven around, becuz it was recommended that she doesn't drive anymore and mostly she lets us drive her.. but there are days when she wants to drive and i fear for my life and the lives of others..  when she's driving and we're in the car with her, she gets to talking and gets distracted and doesn't pay attention to what she's doing..  and if somebody tells her that she CAN'T do something, she WILL do it just to prove that she still can..  

it's a never ending stressful time with Mom in this condition, i never know if i'm on the shit list or the golden child..  and i hate when she tries to run my life..
i'm 41 and i'm too old to be treated like a child but she's trying to assert some sort of control on her life by trying to control others since her way is the only way..
i just love how she bitches about others thinking that they're gods when she asserts herself like she is one..

dementia really sucks..