trying again...

after the fiasco with Paul, which i now realize wasn't the best idea i had,
but i did feel one i needed to pursue to feel again, and even to kickstart
my frozen black stone heart..


i did love him more than i ever did before but it still amazes me how quickly
the feeling died when he once again betrayed me and left me hanging in the wind..


and so now, i'm trying to meet up with new people..
i don't like meeting people online but i don't like going to bars to meet people..


i was contacted by a very nice older gentleman Scotsman..
yes, an actual scots from Scotland, who has been living here in the states
for quite a few years..


his voice is so enthralling..
I LOVE FOREIGN ACCENTS!!  
we had talked on the phone first and then tried skype becuz
my cellphone kept dropping the call..


i might have gotten too excited about his voice that i didn't
think about other things..


he insisted on meeting right away which i was real hesitant on doing..
i like to have lots of time to chat with someone before meeting them, 
and there's no way i was ready to meet someone after only 2 days of 
skype chat..


but..  i followed thru on my promise to meet..


you can say i was disappointed and i don't like thinking that i'm shallow,
but he didn't look like he sounded..
i still tried to continue like nothing was wrong..
we had dinner and were talking but the longer i was sitting there,
the more i was feeling an emptiness or should i say an absence of feeling..
there definitely was no feeling of a connection, and he was trying really hard
but was coming off as very desperate, a super big turn off..


i lasted for a little over 2 hours and then ended the evening becuz
my anxiety level was going up, which i'm guessing i hid pretty well..


he called me when he got home, he lives 70 miles away..
and he was pushing on the phone my assessment of him..
i don't like being cornered like that and so i vaguely told him that
i was talking to my sister about it and i'll talk to him later..
he was being really pushy about it but i got him off the phone..


that got me angry, so i sent a kind of mean email about how
uncomfortable i was..  but regretted sending it..


i talked to him the next day and told him how i felt..
he agreed to back off and not push anything and left everything
for me to do, if i wanted to contact him..


he is a really nice, friendly gentleman, very respectful of women,
even held doors open for me, when i was getting in his truck and in
the restaurant..  that doesn't always happen and it was was very nice
to be treated like a lady..
but for some reason, i don't feel anything for him except i get so excited
by the sound of his voice..
that scottish accent drives me wild!!  but his touch made me feel creeped out..
f!@#$ked up i know..


i think i really need to see a therapist to get over my anxieties about
meeting people..  or moving on from this rut that i'm stuck in about relationships
with men..


if i don't change my ways, i could end up hurting people emotionally..

proving once and for all that i really am a monster..