i can't believe it..

i can't believe, that my willpower was weakened..

i did give in.. it was the most incredible mindblowing and intense sex i ever had..

it was definitely the best EVER in my life..

it started innocently enough, i helped bathe him in my tub.. and then gave him some clothes(they were men's clothes too).. and then we started cleaning up my room.. folding clothes, and somehow.. we would make out and dry rub on each other driving ourselves into a frenzy that after about the 3rd time of stopping, we kept going until he was gently pushing himself into me..

it felt so good.. i was still nervous even tho he is my ex husband..

and for about half hour we actually made love..

not hard pounding fucking..

gentle and smooth love making..

it was the most beautiful experience and a memory i now treasure..

we even connected on a more emotional level and it just felt so right..

BUT now there is a price..

apparently a woman that he used to live with, a few years after he left me..

paid for his moving back to arizona, and their agreement for sex..

i'm sure he's not telling me everything, probably to not upset me..

but if this woman wants sex, then she wants a committed relationship too..

and i'm sure that's what she said but he denies it..

so for now, i have to share him..

which makes me "the other woman".. and it's not quite working for me..

it's going on 2 days i haven't seen him after i gave in..

and of course i'm feeling a bit used..

i was feeling so much in love with him that it was hurting me, when i realized that he has to "service" that woman too..

it took a couple of hours but i was able to pull back my emotions.. of course i was crying my eyes out and feeling so overwhelmed by emotions..

but i did it.. my heart hardened up a bit and the pain is gone again..

i'm just now a bit sad that i can't have a real happiness of being in love..

once again, i'm paying for someone else..

but i'm the better person to not making waves and hurting him or making him feel bad becuz i'm not completely happy..

and what is this getting me..? i'll let you know when i get it.. :-((