spitefully opening an old can of worms..

it took me over a month to get the courage to contact my ex husband..

thru the wonders of the internet, i found him on FB..

i sent a message to him a few days ago, asking if he would meet with me,

just to have a chat..

he replied rather excitedly that he wanted to meet up, he gave me his

phone number and i called him and we chatted for an hour

and then arranged to meet in person..

i kept asking myself what the hell i was doing and why..

but i went thru with the meet up..

he looked almost the same as when i first met him.. which was really good..

and i know i didn't look the same, and not for the better..

but he came up and gave me a big bear hug and then offered to go for a

drive in his 02 big ass truck..

he drove us to a secluded spot near the water away from town and

we were both nervous.. especially him since he had a shaky voice..

i was freaking out inside, noticing the 2 big bowie knives just under the

dashboard in the middle of the floor.. and he wasn't making me any less

nervous by constantly saying that he wouldn't rape me or anything.. LOL!!

but we had quite a long chat out there.. he told me the whole story of how

he cheated on me.. which i'm still not sure if it was all the truth and

of course he made himself out as a helpless victim seduced by the

dreadful harlot..

but i kept thinking.. yeah.. you can't rape the willing.. but ok..

he then told me of how his life hasn't been that great and that he kept making

stupid choices especially in women..

i listened intently.. and as he was talking, i noticed i wasn't feeling any

sort of hatred or anger like i had been carrying all these years(15yrs)..

and when he apologized over and over and over again for how he

divorced me and the mess he made when he left..

and i honestly did forgive him and even told him that i know i had a part

in our breakup too, since i remember me being not quite a nice gal either..

no i never cheated but i had been unstable and frightful becuz i subconsciously

knew that he was messing around and doing god knows what behind my back..

i told him how my life had been, and what i had done.. and the constant

pain that i've carried becuz of our breakup..

he apologized some more and i grabbed him in a hug that brought tears to

my eyes, remembering how much i liked being in his arms..

and somehow, the sexual chemistry seemed to spring to life from there..

no we didn't have sex becuz i firmly told him that we were not having sex..

and even tho he started teasing me like when we first were together and

i started teasing back.. it took all my willpower not to give in to that chemistry..

of course we know that i haven't had sex in 14 yrs and the sexual pull was

so strong, i almost said let's do it right now.. but i stood away from him,

to shake off the urge, and i kept telling him, no we're not having sex..

he said that if i didn't want it, then he wouldn't push for it, becuz he

really just wanted to talk and get to know each other again as friends..

but now i'm thinking.. would it be wrong to just give in and have sex with him?

the wild thoughts that have been in my head since we met or driving me crazy,

and i really do need to get some..

i had told him that we can't be a couple again, our time is over..

but for sex, which wasn't that bad, i've been considering it..

my "heart sickness" i've been carrying for the last 15 yrs, is now not so heavy..

i feel like a weight has been lifted off of me.. i feel so much better now..

but i'm not completely cured.. i am coming full circle again, confronting

my past of pain, facing it and letting it go..

this is why i met up with him.. i had to finally get some closure, an apology

and my chance to forgive and even give an apology too..

dammit.. why did he have to be so charming and almost suck me back in..??

i'm kinda feeling like the first waves of falling in love..

phase one.. the attraction and the sexual chemistry.. F*&#%K!

who's got the stronger strength of willpower?

will i break and give in?

F*%$#K..