i'm alone .. again..

Friday we set off on our trip back down to sactown.. we were in a big black SUV that we completely loaded including all the seats, except for mine..

it was a NICE ride... so smooth and it made me feel good to be in.. sitting high for a change..
but all that was bugging me was that Scorp was wanting to go be with shithead..

we had a nice ride down.. me , Scorp and baby Kyuss.. i brought along some music for the killer stereo system we had.. and every mile closer was making more and more sad.. becuz it would be that sooner that i would have to say goodbye to her again..

we got there at almost 6pm.. i watched the baby while Scorp and shithead unloaded the truck.. they had wanted to unload it in the morning.. but i did not want to stay the night..

shithead's mom was getting ready to go to her 2nd job for the night.. and me and the baby entertained each other for a while.. he's such a cutie and so adorable when he's being cute.. giggling and "talking".. he tells "stories" in babyspeak.. it's quite funny to hear..

shithead and Scorp offered to go to the store to buy some foods so that shithead could cook us dinner.. but i refused.. i told them that i was wanting to leave right away to get back home..

Scorp was looking at me funny.. she kept asking me if i was ok.. i'm sure she was reading something in my eyes that was giving away my anger.. and i'm sure my face had a weird look on it.. i was forcing a phony smile..
i told her things were fine and nothing was wrong.. she didn't push it any further..

i said goodbye again.. and quickly left.. before the tears of hurt and anger started flowing..
i was angry at her for choosing such a life for herself and Kyuss.. to be with shithead..
in spite of all the harassment he gave her for 8 months while she was in AZ including messages of wishing her and the baby dead before he was born..
and then the whole flipped out episode last year.. the rantings.. the sending of the cops to arrest her..
how can she forgive such hateful actions? she said becuz it wasn't an asshole thing.. it was becuz he was ill..
all those things are asshole things.. and i can't forgive such actions.. ill or not..

and i refused to spend the night becuz i still hate him for all that he's done.. but i can't tell her that.. i can't tell her the truth on that subject anymore.. she doesn't want to hear it anyway.. and so i lie to her.. about my thoughts on that.. i'm sure she does know how i feel.. but to expect that i'm ok with everything now.. she should know better...

i didn't drive back home that same night.. i stayed about an hour away from sactown..
i was too angry and pissed and upset to drive any further.. i was ready to start brawling with anyone who did the slightest anything..
it was better that i got a room and went indoors for the night.. to let my emotions settle..
it was a very nice room in a best western.. the price was ridiculous.. and i should have went at least another 30 mins away.. to a place that had rooms more than half of what i paid..
but oh well..

i had a yummy free breakfast in the morning.. english muffins, fruit cocktail and oj.. a nice light breakfast to get me going..

i stopped like 3 hours later to get a sandwich for lunch.. and gassed up.. and continued on my way home..
i got to turn the truck in early.. becuz it was too nice to sit in my driveway.. and plus it was too big for my driveway.. i didn't want anything to happen to it.. which on my street.. something could have..

i'm still angry.. but now more lonely..
i'm alone with just my 4 cats to keep me company.. and realizing how much i miss my sister and Kyuss..
i had a purpose when they were here.. to help take care of them..
but now i have to find another purpose to keep me going..

like trying to work on healing myself of my big gaping hole of a heart.. it's a big black cancerous wound that hasn't healed in almost 10 yrs..

my dreams keep rubbing my face in the fact that i haven't had any male company in a long time.. and that my body is craving for a physical relief that i've been denying..
everyone around me has someone to be with.. and i don't..
but then right now.. i'm no good to anyone with my black heart..

and the most ironic part.. is that i was asked to speak at a wedding for my friend Lynnie..

what would a spinster who lives with cats, have to say at a wedding??