hoping for the best..

feb 21 i went to sactown to pick up Scorp and baby Kyuss with the intention of her returning back here to settle down again.. and later shithead was to come up when he was off his program and saved some monies..

but.. it wasn't meant to be..

i took her back to her last job place.. with her newly printed resume'.. and she talked to all her previous co-workers who had pull to hire her back.. asking them to hire her back so that she could start getting back on her feet..

and.. later..
she decided that she doesn't want to be here anymore.. she said that this town doesn't feel like home to her..anymore..
that she's no longer part of the stoner lifestyle and no longer feels she belongs here..
she has grown up and has a baby to take care of..
and that the apartment is too disgusting to live in and not good for the baby..
but .. meaning no offense or diss on me..

her and shithead left the apartment like a smelly fleabag hotel...
and i know i didn't help much either.. and couldn't get any help.. unless i pay for it.. in cleaning the apartment..

the first weekend she was here.. we started in the bedroom where she would be staying..
and completely tore it apart.. taking everything out and putting it all in the living room.. then proceeded to wash down walls.. roll up the rotted and smelly rug and took it outside..
we bleached and washed the floors.. and then brought in some furnitures to set up the room nicely.. including the baby's things..

and now.. she wants to go back to sactown to shithead and try to make it work down there..
i broke down in tears.. feeling like i've completely let her down..
she keeps going on about the apartment they are staying in is so clean.. that the baby can be put on the carpet for him to play on..

but i'm not supposed to take this personally..
i feel like i've spent most of my time in the last couple of months, going to her rescue, transporting her and her things and the baby to wherever she suddenly wants to be..
i almost feel like i've wasted my time and money doing this.. and then told that my place is too disgusting to stay in..
how am i not supposed to feel hurt? and then i'm mostly hurt that she wants to leave me again..
to be with shithead.. who is now on meds.. and in a therapy program.. and good with the baby and he cooks and cleans..

granted, i'm sure that when someone becomes a parent, they think more about the welfare of the child.. or at least should be..
and that is what she is doing.. i suppose..

and i think this is the last time.. i help transport her anywhere..
i'm going to ask for help one more time in renting a van.. since i can't rent a vehicle..
they are not gonna be happy about this..

i do want Scorp to be happy.. that's all i really want..
and if she feels she would be happy with shithead.. then i wish her well..
but i might not be visiting very much while she's there.. i can't forgive shithead for all that he's done.. even if he was "ill".. he's freaking lucky i don't take his head off..
for her.. i can be civil to him.. and that's as far as it goes..

Scorp did make a call to our parents asking them to send me money to help me with the bills and rent.. and she even emailed Wardog to send me some money too.. and Scorp said that when she gets her income tax check.. she was gonna send some money as well..
it would be nice to get some sort of compensation for all the money I spent moving Scorp around.. but i'm not holding my breath..
our family doesn't quite help each other in that way.. and i would be very surprized if money was sent to me.. i know Scorp would send money.. she feels bad about my sacrificing to help her..
not that i was asking for any payment from her..
family should help each other without question..

but our family is not like that.. they are always asking what's in it for them..
otherwise they won't lift a finger..

such unconditional love and support..