feeling like the outsider..

my speech at Lynnie's wedding went amazingly well.. everyone laughed at the jokes i made in it.. and i got to stand in front of the whole packed beach house in between the bride and groom before the ceremony..
Lynnie and Brett loved my little speech.. it was a short one.. but it was funny and nice..
and the whole room laughed at the funny parts.. it was great..

but being at a wedding is something i should not do.. it brought up too many memories for me.. and it almost made me cry, if i wasn't surrounded by lots of people, who kept coming up to me to take my picture and tell me how they liked my speech..

the wedding was so much fun.. lots of people to talk to.. good food to eat.. and a gorgeous beach setting..
but still.. my unhappy feelings just wouldn't go away.. and i choked it down.. and just blended in the crowd..

the week before the wedding i was in a depression.. and ate the bad foods not on my diet..
becuz of my hateful feelings about weddings.. but for Lynnie's big day.. i was a good friend and helped her to enjoy it..

the only wedding i didn't have a problem with was the gothic wedding last january where i got to walk the bride down the aisle in my dark priestess robes..
everyone was dressed all in goth wear or black & reds.. i didn't feel out of place there.. i didn't feel any sadness.. no bad memories.. just savored the almost evil atmosphere.. the candles all around the room lighting it like a dark chamber.. and of course.. the bram stoker's dracula soundtrack as the wedding march..
it was the best wedding i've ever been to..

i'm currently working on healing myself to get on with my life..
the fiasco with an ex boyfriend who was wanting to contact me after 15 yrs just was never to be.. even i knew that.. but he had been so persistant.. i had agreed to meet up for a dinner, which he never showed or even returned any of my calls afterwards..

i had called him when i got to LA and asked when dinner was.. and never heard from him the whole weekend i was there..
i didn't want to really hook up with him.. even tho that's all he was talking about on the phone.. all the sexual things he wanted to do when we met.. but i told him that wasn't gonna happen.. becuz we haven't seen each other in years and years.. i don't just jump into bed with a general stranger..
and when he never called me at all after that weekend.. i sent him a blasting email that he should never contact me ever again.. and good luck with whatever he was doing.. and that there is a reason we are no longer in each other's lives and that's the way it should stay..

i don't take being jerked around lightly.. i never wanted to meet up with him in the first place.. i don't have good memories of that time.. even tho some of our relationship was good.. but he left me for a 15yr old girl when i wouldn't have sex with him.. and that showed me that he wasn't the one for me.. i don't have much memories about that time.. i just remember that our relationship didn't last long.. so i'm still puzzled why he would contact me after 15yrs? well.. i guess that's something i won't ever find out now..

all of my friends have someone.. and i'm just the spare wheel..
and so.. i don't hang out much with my friends anymore..
the guys here aren't anything really to get excited about.. stoners, drinkers and basic assholes..
and no i'm not a lesbian either..
this place just doesn't have quality guys to have a relationship with..

i'm not a partier anymore.. everyone goes to the bars.. and i have no interest in that since i don't drink.. and i hate smoking..

i think it's been way too long for me now.. my heart is blackened and withered..
and plus i'm still too fat for any guys to have interest in me anyway.. they are all looking for barbie dolls with lots of toys and money.. which i am not one.. and have neither..

my friend bryan stopped talking to me months ago.. and doesn't return any of my emails.. or IM messages..
i sent him a belated xmas package.. but got no reply..
i feel lost and confused on why he doesn't talk to me anymore.. and i know i won't be getting an answer on that either..

i spend most of my time just being at home with my 4 cats and my movies.. when i'm not at work..
feeling lonely and lost.. no quite with a purpose yet.. but still looking for something to fill the void..