nachtmahr...

i've had to step up my time with mom..

i basically get up around 10am and go to her house and sit with her 

for several hours..

we watch her old tv shows like, hawaii-50, gunsmoke, 
bonanza and such..

and sometimes she makes me breakfast, today she made me a

toasted tuna sandwich..

she seems to enjoy making me a meal and i won't turn 
down a free meal..

and i have to do this 7 days a week, unless she's not feeling good,

then i get a day off..  and i've been doing this since 

the beginning of this month..

and it seems that's what makes her happy..  
someone to spend time with her so she's not lonely.. 
but her negative attitude and her continuing

deteriorating speech, which now sounds like english gibberish, 
it's hard to understand what she's saying..  so i mostly just nod 
my head and smile..

and that makes her feel good, someone to tell her that she's right..

mom thinks that if she steps up her herbal treatments of her condition,

then she will get better..

her doctor, who's a naturalpathic, came up with a list of 
herbs and vitamins

that could help brain function, but in mom's case, 
i don't think it will help..

she has dementia, and it's destroying her brain, 
there is no cure for it,

there is no stopping it and there is no reversing it..

and there's no point in arguing with her, she can't hear or understand

much of what is said to her..  so i don't argue, even when 
i probably should,

but why, will she admit that she's wrong?  of course not..

just like i hate all her venting about her own little grandson and 

my sister, and i mostly hate how she rants about my dad..

granted my dad is a grumpy old bear, but he's a decent and 
honorable man,

he's been generous and loving in his own way..

he's got mom set up that she doesn't have to work much, 
she has more than a decent fund to do what she likes and 
pay the bills and has more freedom than i do..

but she doesn't see it that way..  
she thinks she's trapped and has to do what dad says..

when it comes to the business, then yes she has to 
do what he says, but for the other things, she's the boss..  

he does what she asks or needs or wants..  and i have to help..

but when she goes on about what a control freak dad is and how 
bad he is, i have to grit my teeth from speaking..

he's been more than generous to me and he's helped me 
so much in everything..

of course he would like to be in control, and most of the time he is,

but with mom in her condition, he has less control and he's 
slowly been learning from me and Sis about how to deal with mom..

and her rantings about little chris, who is only 5 yrs old and 

doesn't understand most of what she says becuz she's speaking 
gibberish, and is afraid of her becuz she's attacked him
more than once..

she's condemned him, and practically written him off as an 
unvaluable member of the family..

and Sis is busting her ass working to pay for the utilities on our house, 
since mom refuses to pay them now..  mom's condemning her too, 

saying that she's no good..

and i have to just sit there and listen to all that crap 

and say nothing..

it breaks my heart every day that i can't defend them..

she won't hear it and won't listen becuz she thinks she is right..

this might be bad of me to admit, but i am human and 

can't stand to see or feel suffering of others..

but sometimes i wish that mom would have a terrible 

accident that brings her final peace that she is not finding in life..  
it would end all of our suffering, mostly hers..

and Mom's mom, is trying to reach out to her to talk to her and 

Mom is "remembering" bad things that were done to her as a kid, 
supposedly at the hands of her mom and stepdad..

which we found out were not entirely true..  but she doesn't 
realize that we know..

gramma is wanting to talk to her daughter, but i keep telling 
her that she can't, becuz mom will do her hateful ranting and 
probably hang up the phone..

i explained to gramma of mom's condition, gramma is 80 and 
doesn't have that condition..  yet..

but she's doesn't quite believe it..  and i don't want gramma, 
at her late stage of life, be told some horrible things from mom..

mom will spew all sorts of hateful things to gramma..

it would break her heart..  and probably kill her..

mom has this notion that she's been a victim all her life at 
the hands of her parents, when in fact, mom has been 
the opposite, always having to get her own way..

but in her condition, she believes her own "victim" hype 
she's been telling us all our lives..

i'm sick of hearing that too becuz i have my own stories of 
what mom did to me and my sisters..

and it could have been a good movie of the week, 
of child abuse at the hands of mentally ill parent..

but i can't say anything to what i had endured at her hands..

i know we would have been better off in foster care..

but she won't take responsibility for anything she's done..

it's never her fault..  everyone else is to blame and she's the 

perpetual victim..

and her children are to blame too, since we were born and took 
her dreams away..    oh you bet, we heard that all of our lives, 
that we ruined her life and stopped her from living her dreams..

and so, she did her best to stop us from having our dreams, 
yeah nice parenting, destroy your kids before they can 
accomplish more than you ever did..

how do you ever get over that when you can't confront 

your parental child-abusing attacker??  how can there be closure 
and acknowledgement of what happened?

with mom locked in her condition, there can't be closure or 
acknowledgement..

in my moments of epiphanies, i understand why she did 
what she did, even tho she can't explain why..

and i can just let most of what she did go, until she brings 
it all up again..

on a daily basis, she keeps tearing open those old wounds and 
i'm just supposed to suck it up and keep it all bottled, becuz what 
happened to me, isn't as important as what never happened to her..

i should never be allowed to speak at her funeral..