bound and gagged..

Dad is now demanding that we spend more time with Mom, sitting with her and talking with her..

so this means that when i get up in the early am, i'm supposed to just go over and spend the morning with mom..

Mom first says that i'm smothering her and now she wants more time with me, so that she can bitch later that i'm smothering her..

i enjoy having the mornings to myself so that i can gather the energy to deal with her, but now, BAM, when i get up i'm supposed to have all my energies sucked out of me and try to deal with her and little C, whom she now hates again and wishes him dead..

this is gonna end up killing me or i will completely lose my shit and they will have to take me away in an ambulance..

i am the Rock for the family, but with no recharge time for me, i will crumble and just me as big a mess as Mom..

but then, Dad expects me to handle it all so he doesn't have to..

i have to keep telling myself about the price i'm paying to have what i have,

rent free place to live, and the household utilities paid becuz i have no job..

it's the price i have to pay, the price i have to pay..

it doesn't make me feel any better to know this or to do this..

everybody always depends on me, but yet there's nothing or no one for me to depend on for strength..

i hate it..  it pisses me off.. but yet, i have to take it, for the family...

that's what i'm here for, to help with Mom til the end..  hers, (and i hate to say it and i hope no one thinks me heartless for saying it)

i got a tattoo to help me with my depression, the pain lasted for days

while my arm was healing, i forgot how much it's painful after getting the ink, it almost drove me insane..

getting the tattoo has helped lift my depression, which should last a few months..

 i've been taking thyroid supplement, iodine supplement to help me get my thyroid to function and to find more energy in me to do things..

i've changed my eating habits,

i make my own green tea iced tea with honey and lemon and i've been eating

mostly toast and jam when i'm at home..

i was bad the other day and had a whopper jr becuz i was out with little C..

i gotta stop doing that..  deny the urge, conquer that craving..

the stress is a lot, nobody except my Sis understands the stress i'm under..

my Dad thinks that there's nothing for me to be stressed about,

but he knows how much energy and strength it takes to make sure

that Mom doesn't have a meltdown in public..

it's not easy and you have to make sure that she stays in a good mood or else,

BOOM!  the mountain explodes!..

i don't think he realizes the amount of pressure he's putting on me to take care

of everything at home, which includes getting Mom to do her job for the company..

for now, she knows what she needs to do, it's just when she keeps getting hounded about it, she will refuse to do it..  and i've warned him about that..

there's her and also making sure that little C doesn't set her off too..

he's even more volatile becuz he's only 5 yrs old and has a short attention span, like a goldfish, and there are days when i have them both, they both push buttons on each other, and it's a big ole' fight that i can't get either of them to back down from..

i grit my teeth so hard and try not to lose it and scream too..

little C is a litter easier to get him to quiet down, but Mom when she gets into a snit about him,

she will not shut up for days and days..  like in the most recent days..

but everyone depends on me..

a fine time for me not to be drinking anymore..  dammit..