pushing me to go away..

every time i make plans and try to do them, like drop applications off to other places for work,
nothing works out.. almost like i'm not good enough to work somewhere else..

i've been told that a co-worker is wanting to switch jobs with me so that she can have more time for her adopted kid when she gets it..
but i really can't bank on that either until it happens.. if it happens..

everyone is trying to give me reassurances and promises to keep me around, but i can't wait forever for it anymore.. promises don't really pay, if they don't happen..

i can't hold on much longer, my situation is pretty bad..
i'm so financially screwed.. and i did it to myself, of course i had some help from other people, my sister's fuckwad of a boyfriend, for starters..

i don't know what i'm doing here anymore..
i'm not happy..
i'm doing for others, and it's paying for them while i'm left with nothing.. and pretty much left to rot, while they go on to get that big payoff.. and forget about me..

the time has come for me to go.. and soon i will..
i have to take care of me now..

time is getting short, fall is coming soon and if i don't have something else to do during the winter hours, i'm totally fucked.. that's what nobody seems to understand..

September is the deadline, if nothing happens by then, that's it.. i'm gonna be a dust trail heading back to arizona.. to some reprieve.. and free rent until i find a job there and start building up the bank account again.. and start all over .. again..

PS..
i find it pretty funny that when i tell people that i'm making plans to move out of town, then the offers come in..
i told my supervisor that if i didn't hear of a definite job opening by september then i'm gone..
and i was also told of job openings at a local bakery-deli-coffee shop..

just putting it out there, that you are leaving town, and everyone starts to get frantic for you to stay..